While my recent presentation on the now-disproven May 21 rapture was meant purely as deadpan humor, I decided to visit a Wal-Mart at the appointed hour of rapture to take a few photos to prove to our more superstitious fellow men and women that they suffered merely from rectal-cranial inversion.
As expected, I saw no mass flashes and ascending human forms at 6 p.m. eastern U.S. time. But being the rationalist that I am (hold the snickers), I still tested the delusional claims of Harold Camper and found something sinister and well cloaked.
Clothing racks were well stocked – far more stocked than on any other day I’ve been in a Wal-Mart. I began covertly photographing the scene:
Well stocked shelves at racks in Wal-Mart? Verrry suspicious ...
As I tried to remain unobtrusive (yeah, keep on laughing …), I saw other hints that, in fact, people had mysteriously disappeared in recent moments.
Two belts just lying in the floor? Hmmmmmm ...
My word! Could have an entire family just tossed their clothes in the basket and gone to meet their maker?
And then I saw the dressing rooms. I stood back, pretending to compare bargains on tube socks while noticing the parade of shoppers entering the dressing stalls. As each shopper entered, they never exited. Yet more people filed into the rooms as the attendant smiled. Finally, I was able to get the photograph I feared . . .
I saw the light, and I am afraid ...
Note the vertical shafts on light from the stalls. I’m sure I’ve found the secret to Wal-Mart’s ‘everyday low prices.’
Be afraid. Very afraid.
Wal-Mart is still the top-grossing spectator sport in the South, far in excess of NASCAR. Especially when one wanders through the local Wal-Mart to peek at what’s in the various, strategically-placed bargain bins. CD’s and DVD’s have been the latest and most popular fire-lane obstructions in the chain’s loss-leader marketing.
On Thursday, I think I might have made two significant cultural discoveries in a CD bin – possible the two shortest, commercially released music CD’s in U.S. history: Kenny G Super Hits and Vanilla Ice Greatest Hits.
Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars . . . .
Conversation between me and a Walmart employee about two weeks ago, between snows . . .
Me to Walmart employee: “Do you have any snow shovels?”
Walmart employee: “We’re out.”
Me: “Are you geting any more in?”
Walmart employee: “No. They’re a seasonal item.”
Me: “But it’s still winter for a month and a half.”
Walmart employee: “There’s no demand for them after winter.”
At this point, there are two responses roiling in my mind . . .
Me, talking in my mind: “You f***ing moron, it’s still winter!”
Me, opening my mouth: “Never mind.”
While buying a quantity of Sam’s Peanut Butter Cups to conduct ballistic tests, my heat-induced wanderings through Wal-Mart’s aisles revealed three things:
1) A ghostly vision of Sam Walton spying on his employees for signs of unionizing, and
2) & 3) The most obscene product names I’ve seen this week – Otis Spunkmeyer Muffins and Hamburger Helper Potatoes Stroganoff.
at the local ‘Megalomart,’ I saw a display for a product titled with three words that evoke an obscene, horrific image . . . . .
Metamucil Berry Blast
Some young ad exec type should be shot.