Frontier Former Editor

October 6, 2007

Stephen Hawking is soooooo bad . . . .

Filed under: Christmas, humor, physics, Stephen Hawking — Frontier Former Editor @ 11:58 pm

stephen_hawking_zero-gravity.jpg

 – when Chuck Norris tried to roundhouse-kick him, he postulated a neutrino-rich environment so dense that Chuck barely made it a quarter-turn before stopping dead in his tracks.

– when he needs knowledge, he stares and blows two puffs in his wheelchair control to create a four-volume set.

– life in Alpha Centauri measures distance in Hawking-years.

– he didn’t need the ‘Vomit Comet’ to fly parabolic arcs to experience weightlessness – he used his sheer intellect to create a negatively-charged field that supported both him and the airplane.

– wears a t-shirt that says “Arthur C. Clarke can kiss my bony white ass.”

– unlike Heisenberg, can measure and describe physical events at the exact same time and location they occur.

– instead of spinners, he installed perpetual-motion flywheels on his wheelchair that generate limitless power and look bitchin when he cruises around Oxford University.

– he makes Freddie Mercury’s smile look perfect and still doesn’t give a f*ck.

Update: Rain reminded me of this goody (courtesy of Raincoaster – couldn’t find):

The Stephen Hawking Christmas Album

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September 26, 2007

Quadriplegic masturbation?

After flirting with the idea, I finally found a list of search engine terms that led to this little corner of sociopathy with a fairly repellent  term or two:

debbie gibson is pregnant with my two-he
1
Chris Crocker bristol
1
quadriplegic masturbation
1
Landing Signal Officers
1
fast food pick-up lines
1
Chris crocker Kingsport tn
1

And no, I’m not referring to the ‘Chris Crocker’ hits. ‘Quadriplegic masturbation,’ on the other hand (no pun intended) leaves me wondering if Stephen Hawking has too much time on his puffer valve.

As for ‘how tall was Heinrich Himmler’: Well, the experten at CelebHeights.com have this to say:

JDrozen says on 10/Jan/06
Hitler’s height is easy to calculate, he was 5,8. Compare him to Himmler who was one inch taller then Adolf. One of the condition to be a member of the SS is the minimum required height of 5,9 which was the body height of Heinrich Himmler.”

But only his undertaker knows for sure . . . .

As for ‘dick cheney athiest’; Dick, you’re the prince of darkness. With all that indoor time between sunrise and sunset, at least learn proper capitalization of your name and how to spell ‘atheist.’

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