While my recent presentation on the now-disproven May 21 rapture was meant purely as deadpan humor, I decided to visit a Wal-Mart at the appointed hour of rapture to take a few photos to prove to our more superstitious fellow men and women that they suffered merely from rectal-cranial inversion.
As expected, I saw no mass flashes and ascending human forms at 6 p.m. eastern U.S. time. But being the rationalist that I am (hold the snickers), I still tested the delusional claims of Harold Camper and found something sinister and well cloaked.
Clothing racks were well stocked – far more stocked than on any other day I’ve been in a Wal-Mart. I began covertly photographing the scene:
Well stocked shelves at racks in Wal-Mart? Verrry suspicious ...
As I tried to remain unobtrusive (yeah, keep on laughing …), I saw other hints that, in fact, people had mysteriously disappeared in recent moments.
Two belts just lying in the floor? Hmmmmmm ...
My word! Could have an entire family just tossed their clothes in the basket and gone to meet their maker?
And then I saw the dressing rooms. I stood back, pretending to compare bargains on tube socks while noticing the parade of shoppers entering the dressing stalls. As each shopper entered, they never exited. Yet more people filed into the rooms as the attendant smiled. Finally, I was able to get the photograph I feared . . .
I saw the light, and I am afraid ...
Note the vertical shafts on light from the stalls. I’m sure I’ve found the secret to Wal-Mart’s ‘everyday low prices.’
Be afraid. Very afraid.
Thanks to Kelly for reminding me of my agnostic duty . . .
I’m putting odds on Pat Robertson as the best pick to follow Jerry Falwell to the biggest surprise of their afterlife.
I’m guessing that Pat will a) be crushed while doing one of his famous 2-ton leg presses; b) die from Red Chinese-poisoned wheat gluten in his Heavenly Protein Shake, or; c) suffer a massive embolism when he sees two or more Regent University graduates under Congressional immunity instead of God’s protection.
Place yer bets – the wheel is spinning!
I’ll admit rather readily that I’m an agnostic. I do believe that there is some central phenomenon that dictates how the world goes ’round, so to speak, but I’m not ready to accept that the Bible – such as it is – or the Torah or the Koran or the Book of Mormon or whatever ‘holy’ book you choose is the explanation of it all. I certainly don’t accept baptism, transubstantiation, or any other religious or mystical rite as anything more than tradition, and I’ve seen religion cause more hate and discontent in my time than any single other cause.
Do you need a fairy tale to justify being a good, decent person?
Enjoy a little Christopher Hitchens while I struggle through Oracle homework . . .