Frontier Former Editor

March 27, 2011

Space-clearing oddities . . .

Wal-Mart is still the top-grossing spectator sport in the South, far in excess of NASCAR. Especially when one wanders through the local Wal-Mart  to peek at what’s in the various, strategically-placed bargain bins. CD’s and DVD’s have been the latest and most popular fire-lane obstructions in the chain’s loss-leader marketing.

On Thursday, I think I might have made two significant cultural discoveries in a CD bin – possible the two shortest, commercially released music CD’s in U.S. history: Kenny G Super Hits and Vanilla Ice Greatest Hits.

Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars . . . .

October 28, 2007

I suppose it is easy to get pissed . . .

when the kids are behaving exactly like the parents. Not that it really surprises me, but it does have its own chuckle factor:

WASHINGTON (AP) – The homeland security chief on Saturday tore into his own employees for staging a phony news conference at the Federal Emergency Management Agency. “I think it was one of the dumbest and most inappropriate things I’ve seen since I’ve been in government,” Michael Chertoff said.“I have made unambiguously clear, in Anglo-Saxon prose, that it is not to ever happen again and there will be appropriate disciplinary action taken against those people who exhibited what I regard as extraordinarily poor judgment,” he added.”

Anglo-Saxon prose, eh? Fuck you Chertoff, you shitbag fuckwit goddamn Bush administration mouthpiece and douchebag. How’s that for unambiguously clear, Anglo-Saxon prose?

It doesn’t strike me as the dumbest and most inappropriate thing I’ve ever seen in government. After all, there’s:

  • – the actual FEMA and Homeland Security response to Hurricane Katrina
  • – the invasion of Iraq (and yes, it was an invasion)
  • – George W. Bush in general
  • – damn near anything Dick Cheney does on a daily basis, whether or not it’s classified.
  • – all those canned news spots issued by a private PR firm under a contract by the federal government on the Medicare drug benefit plan – the one with the fake reporter.

It just goes to show the real point Orwell made in 1984: totalianism in the future is the result of basically stupid, ignorant, know-nothing people that we allow to ooze into positions of responsibility.

September 9, 2007

At least it’s more tangible than a 700 Club promise of salvation and prayer priority . . .

Filed under: GoodjehovahHAH!, Judaism, marketing, religion, synagogue — Frontier Former Editor @ 6:39 pm

Of course no one bid on Saturday – it’s the Sabbath.

Considering the various Baptist quilt raffles, Presbyterian rummage sales, Catholic functions and Pentecostal gospel sings I’ve seen, this offer had me at ‘free parking.’

 Although a Baptist picnic is hard to beat for the fried chicken and banana pudding . . . . 

Synagogue seats go for $1.8M at auction

By MATT SEDENSKY, Associated Press Writer

Sat Sep 8, 4:00 PM ET

MIAMI BEACH, Fla. – Just in time for the Jewish high holidays, two lifetime front-row seats to services at a synagogue here are being auctioned off on eBay. The bidding starts at $1.8 million.

Besides getting to schmooze up front with the rabbi, the lucky winner’s family name will be engraved on Seats 1 and 2 of Row 1, Section DD, at Temple Emanu-El. The winner also will receive free parking, two custom-made prayer shawls and yarmulkes, and a hefty tax write-off. Plus, the winning bidder can pass the seats down to his or her children.

“It’s a gift that goes from one generation to another,” said Rabbi Kliel Rose, who came up with the concept with a little bit of chutzpah and the help of two congregants who work in advertising and marketing.


May 27, 2006

Pat Robertson’s hulkin’ out

Filed under: Be HEALED!, marketing, religion, scumbags — Frontier Former Editor @ 7:18 pm

Pat Robertson’s hulkin’ out!

God love Pat Robertson – somebody has to, I suppose.

From his exploits on the way to and away from the Korean conflict – documented in a nationally-exposed lawsuit around the time Pat was running for the Republican nomination for president a few years ago – to his God-given control of the forces of nature against us heatherns, Pat Robertson has been a superhuman force to guide all us American scum either toward the light of goodness or toward the furnace door of hell.

Okay, it’s more like he’s done everything from getting his daddy the U.S. senator to get him out of a tour in Korea to starting an ‘interesting’ media, evangelical and higher learning empire stemming from a low-rent UHF television station with reruns and pleas for money to do either his or the lord’s work. Oh, and there’s also telling gays and people who don’t accept creationism that God’s gonna getcha with a big storm or flood or something.

But that crazy Pat’s at it again – he’s leg-pressed a ton. Yes, 2,000 pounds. At least that’s what he claims. And he has a video purporting to show him leg-pressing 1,000 pounds

And there’s the claims that he does it all thanks to “his age-defying protein shake. Pat developed a delicious, refreshing shake, filled with energy-producing nutrients.”

All you have to do is register on his website – probably exposing you to a ton of unwanted spam and e-proselytizing – to download his (insert echo from above) AGE-DEFYING PROTEIN SHAKE!!!.

Pat Robertson’s shake from


Thanks to the wonder of (insert echo from below) OTHER MEDIA OUTLETS, I can reveal some ingredients of Pat’s (insert echo from above) AGE-DEFYING PROTEIN SHAKE!!!!!!

“. . . ingredients such as soy protein isolate, whey protein isolate, flaxseed oil and apple cider vinegar.”

I think I know what’s so AGE-DEFYING about it. It defies anyone of any age to consider a blended concoction of soybean, skim milk, vegetable oil and vinegar delicious.

I suppose that it might, however, generate enough intestinal distress to help 2,000 pounds achieve escape velocity.

Go get ‘em Pat. If mankind’s going to be killed by 2,000-pound weights from above, you won’t end up like Wile E. Coyote or some members of Monty Python.

April 4, 2006

The decline and fall of consumerism . . . .

Filed under: Come again?, marketing, societal niceties — Frontier Former Editor @ 10:19 pm

When I was a wee one (or relatively wee), the most socially uncomfortable commercials I remembered were:

– bras/girdles
– very vague feminine hygiene products (except for that g**d****d Brenda Vaccaro ad)

Now, I’m certainly no prude but, in the space of a couple of days, I’ve been reminded of the supposed enlightenment and openess of our modern society by

– a tampon commercial where the user demonstrates her newfound freedom by stripping to her skivvies and diving off a fishing pier
– a hemmorhoid relief commercial featuring the larger size of its pre-treated wipes
– a KY Jelly commercial with a couple – the man’s eyes light up when the woman explains how KY can be used anywhere.

Kind of makes one miss liquor and cigarette commercials . . .

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