Frontier Former Editor

September 15, 2007

For Stiletto . . . .

Filed under: immigration, Inquisition, Jews, Mel Brooks, synchronized swimming, Torquemada — Frontier Former Editor @ 11:56 pm

For you Stiletto, and with subtitles so all our non-English speaking friends can learn the official language of the United States . . . .

July 16, 2007

She may have zombie hamsters, but we’ve got a bureaucratic solution!

Filed under: homeland security, immigration, mad science, politics, vampires, zombies — Frontier Former Editor @ 10:51 am

The same guys who gave us radar, the steam catapult and 2010 may be doing this . . . .

 but we’ve got a bureaucratic solution with this:

 “Vampires arrived in the United States with the first European settlers and followed the general population shifts of Americans in the early days of the Republic. During this time, fighting vampires was a task left to individual bounty hunters and local militias known as the Vampire National Guard. As the country grew and became increasingly urbanized, a more ambitious vampire abatement program became necessary. The Copper Creek Seige of 1855, in which vampires took over an entire California mining town, underscored the country’s need for an organized, well-trained force to combat the growing plague. The Civil War delayed implementation until 1868, when President Ulysses S. Grant officially formed the Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency.

An early vampire patrol
is organized

Initially, the FVZA was a specialized branch of the Armed Forces, modeled after similar troops in France and Great Britain. The troops were known as the “Vanguard,” a contraction of Vampire National Guard. They worked mostly in large cities. By day, they scoured likely vampire/zombie hiding places; by night, they patrolled areas of high vampire/zombie activity (slums, waterfronts, parks, etc.). Though they were underfunded, ill-equipped and often shuttled off to fight wars on foreign soil, the FVZA made some strides in controlling resident vampire and zombie populations. However, the huge surges of immigrants coming to America helped increase the U.S. vampire population to 300,000 by the turn of the century.”

 And to think that the anti-immigration bill folks haven’t stumbled onto this yet.

Or maybe they have . . . .

April 13, 2006

More on the immigration debate . . .

Filed under: Georgie Anne Geyer, immigration, politics, Texas contortionist — Frontier Former Editor @ 9:05 pm

God love Georgie Anne Geyer too. She and Molly Ivins are pointing out something very important that’s being left out of this whole immigration debate . . .

(Note: the uExpress link automatically updates to the current Geyer column, so use the archives link to go to the April 13 column – thanks)

Immigration A NEWS ITEM FROM OUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE?(April 13, 2006) from

WASHINGTON — Here’s a news item from my wishful-thinking file:
After three weeks of demonstrations across America by illegal immigrants and others, President George W. Bush on May 1, 2006, gave a speech that was praised across America for its clarity and forthrightness — and that brought forth renewed hopes for Republican victories in the coming elections. We reprint portions here:
———————————————————————————Dear fellow American citizens, legal immigrants, illegal workers, and friends and colleagues across the world:
It is time for clarity on the crucial question of illegal immigration to our beloved republic. The truth may be painful to some — it often is — but we Americans can no longer live in this fairytale world of borderless nations, of men and women here illegally demanding “rights” and of specious economic rationales for illegal behavior. You know what a stickler I am for the correct usages of words, so let’s get a few things clear right away.


April 12, 2006

Immigration – I forgot to post this last week

Filed under: immigration, Molly Ivins, politics, Texas contortionist, Third Reich — Frontier Former Editor @ 2:12 pm

God love Molly Ivins. Read this column on immigration from March 30; it’s simple but elegant

(Note: the Creators link automatically updates to the current Ivins column, so use the archives link to go to the March 30 column – thanks)

Immigration 101 for beginners and non-Texans (March 30, 2006) from

AUSTIN, Texas — Immigration 101 for beginners and non-Texans.

In 1983, I was a judge at the Terlingua Chili Cookoff, and my memory of the events may not be perfect — for example, for years I’ve been claiming Jimmy Carter was president at the time, but that’s the kind of detail one often loses track of in Terlingua.

Anyway, it was ’83 or some year right around there when we held The Fence climbing contest. See, people talked about building The Fence back then, too. The Fence along the Mexican border. To keep Them out.

At the time, the proposal was quite specific — a 17-foot cyclone fence with bob wire at the top. So a test fence was built at Terlingua, and the First-Ever Terlingua Memorial Over, Under or Through Mexican Fence Climbing Contest took place. Prize: a case of Lone Star beer. Winning time: 30 seconds.[]

April 1, 2006

Immigration . . . .

Filed under: immigration — Frontier Former Editor @ 11:23 am

As a fast food manager in my pre-journalism life, I’ve been watching this week’s immigration debate crescendo with more than mild interest.

In the late 1980’s, I can remember the stern admonitions from Marriott human relations reps that we managers needed to make sure that we had copies of green cards for any alien applicants/employees lest INS inspectors levy stiff fines and we have to sell more Double R-Bar burgers to make up for the loss.

Fast forward to 2006.

Now we have a presidential administration citing corporate America’s desperation for people to fill the jobs that Americans won’t take.

And we have another segment of conservatives who counter with the argument that we’re opening the gates to the barbarians.

And we have yet another segment of society arguing that we should treat our fellow man with compassion and not as border-crossing, welfare-stealing illegals.

And . . . . another segment argues that those illegals who have been here for years should be given a chance at applying for citizenship after paying fines and back taxes.

And then there’s the Mexican government taking basically the position that we should act as a relief valve for Mexico’s socio-economic problems.

Who’s right?

March 15, 2006

Daughters of the American Revolution and other unmentionables

Filed under: blue-haired old bats, doomed to repeat, dumbasses, immigration, old times, societal niceties — Frontier Former Editor @ 9:50 pm

As a newspaper editor, I certainly believe in allowing everyone in the community a chance for their voice to appear in their hometown paper.

That said, some voices need to take a break.

Case in point: The Daughters of the American Revolution.

Once upon a time, when covering a DAR event, the high DAR priestess remarked to me that my surname made it obvious that I probably had no ancestors in the colonies during the Revolution.

I replied, helpfully, that actually I did have an ancestor in Virginia during the Revolution, but that he was repatriated to Britain after Cornwallis surrendered at Yorktown.

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