Frontier Former Editor

June 4, 2011

A Spaniard and a German walk into a bar with a cucumber …

Filed under: cuisine, culture, disease, humor, Old World, public health — Tags: , , , — Frontier Former Editor @ 5:44 am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehObqTGXpL4

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May 22, 2011

I feel like John Cleese, except for the ability to utter curt profanities at stupid teenagers . . .

Filed under: cuisine, decorum, ersatz food, fast food, food, food extenders, fun stuff, humor, Monty Python — Frontier Former Editor @ 5:46 pm

Sometimes truth is stranger than the Cheese Shop sketch.

As I stopped by the local national-chain sandwich shop this evening to get a fast dinner (don’t laugh too hard if you’ve been to Subway before), I decided that the remaining raspberry cheesecake cookies on the counter rack looked relatively appetizing. I asked for three, and the young lady proceeded to get tongs and remove them.

“That’s fine,” I replied.

“They’re very crumbly,” she said.

Decision time. Should I follow the trail blazed by Mr. Cleese four decades earlier and just blurt out, “I don’t care how ****ing crumbly they are! Bring  on the raspberry cheesecake cookies with all due haste and speed!”?

Answer: “That’s fine.”

I’m sure she either didn’t comprehend the ironic smile on my face, or else she called the police and I’m being surveilled for sexual harassment.

April 13, 2009

It’s official: The new “Talk Like a Pirate Day” tagline is . . .

Filed under: cool stuff, crime, doomed to repeat, dumbasses, fun stuff, humor, scumbags — Frontier Former Editor @ 10:58 pm

Arrrrr . . . . thump

Actually, I did have a picture of me . . .

Filed under: dumbasses, humor — Tags: , , — Frontier Former Editor @ 10:34 pm

and the dog probably would have done a better job of it:

dscn0153

March 17, 2009

But he’s nobody’s tool.

Filed under: art or something like it, artistic license, cool stuff, fun stuff, guitar heroes, humor — Frontier Former Editor @ 8:54 pm

torkwrenchsmaller1

If you’re 40 or older, you’ll get it . . . .

March 6, 2009

Oh Brother, Where Art thou Caste?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7923190.stm

I’ve already been given inspiration to write – if I ever got into the screenwriting biz – a Bollywood adaptation of the Coen Brothers’ and Homer’s big screen epic, “Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?”

From the BBC  (be sure to whistle the first couple of bars of “Liliburlero” first . . .)

“India’s governing Congress party has acquired the rights to Jai Ho – the Oscar-winning song from the movie Slumdog Millionaire.

Party officials say the song will be used as part of the election campaign to publicise Congress achievements.

The general election in India will take place between 16 April and 13 May. Counting is due on 16 May.

British director Danny Boyle’s Slumdog, based in the slums of the Indian city of Mumbai (Bombay), won eight Oscars.

‘Performed well’

Bollywood composer AR Rahman and lyricist Gulzar won the Best Song Oscar for Jai Ho, literally meaning victory.

With its catchy tune and uplifting lyrics, Jai Ho has become immensely popular with the public in India.

Congress Party spokesman Manish Tiwari told the BBC the achievements of the government deserved to be saluted and the song best explained that.

“Our party has performed well, be it in governance or in its pro-poor policies,” Mr Tiwari said.

But a senior leader of the main opposition Hindu nationalist Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP), Prakash Javdekar, told Reuters news agency: “This song will ensure their defeat because it will remind every Indian that millions of people still have to stay in slums because of faulty Congress policies.” “

One of the key scenes already came to me in a flash of twisted inspiration, as Pappy O’Nehru (played with suitably restrained, yet ebullient populism by Ben Kingsley) arrives at the Congress Party rally to find that the Soggy Bengal Boys are perfoming ‘Jai Ho’ to a standing, enthusiastically screaming crowd.  

A homespun-and-turban -wearing George Clooney (he’ll probably jump into this with financing – the sacrifices we have to make for art) leans over to his sweetheart at the dignitaries table and stretches his fake beard, in a burst of comic relief designed to set the stage for an extended musical number leading into the arrival of the closet Kashmir separatist candidate (John Rhys Davies or Alfred Molina – I’m still tossing that stereotype around). The separatist unintentionally exposes his true colors and is dragged away by Congress loyalists.

O’Nehru then climbs on stage and teases his departed rival for being less than non-violent, to the laughter and applause of the audience. He then brings Clooney and the Soggy Bengal Boys to hand and exacts a public promise that they have renounced their ways.

“You will support Congress in the April elections, won’t you?” O’Nehru  asks Clooney in a stern yet fatherly way, to which Clooney ferently asserts his agreement.

O’Nehru and the Soggy Bengal Boys then line up for a pull-out-all-the-stops rendition of  “Jai Ho.”

I’m still trying to figure out how to do the lynching scene, although the Ganges at flood stage should be easy enough.

February 26, 2009

Thank you Rain for boosting my self esteem!

To Rain:

As Sly Stone would say in a situation like this, “I want to thank you/for letting me/be myself’/again!”

Congratulations, you’re rabies!

Transmitted by rabid animals, you’re most commonly found infecting creatures such as raccoons, skunks, bats and foxes. But don’t worry, you affect humans too, causing either paralysis or hyperactivity in your advanced stages, and ultimately death.

Your most famous symptom is hypersalviation – that delightful foaming at the mouth that we have come to know and indeed love. However, you can also cause hallucination; think of the fun you could have at parties!

If you wish, you can proudly tell the world that you kill dogs . . .

 

I am Rabies. Grrrrrrrr!
Which Horrible Affliction are you?
A Rum and Monkey disease.

February 17, 2009

No more yankee my wankee, the donger need food!

Filed under: humor, politics — Tags: , , — Frontier Former Editor @ 8:46 am

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Clinton: ‘Where is my jet?”

Nakagawa: “Jet? Jet? Vroossshhhhhhh, zoooooommmm, splassshhhh. Lake. Big lake. Hahahahahahahahahahah!”

 

Makes one wish Molly Ringwald had been appointed Secretary of State.

 

December 29, 2008

Object lesson for 2009

Rastenburg

Rastenburg

 

Never, ever, send a one-armed one-eyed man or Tom Cruise to do something that needs to be done right.

December 21, 2008

Assume the position, and not the Senate seat . . .

Bend over, Ill drive - courtesy of Chicago Tribune

Bend over, I'll drive - courtesy of Chicago Tribune

In a touching story bound to replace ‘A Christmas Story’ in our collective heart, some guy in Chicago painted a portrait of Rod Blagojevic assuming the position before checking into a federal correctional institute.

The only shame is that he’s not doing one of Cheney checking into confinement at the Hague.

From the Chicago Tribune (talk about a bunch of guys in the newsroom saying ‘Bend over, Governor!’):

“I was stunned when I found out what that criminal complaint [outlined],” Elliott said as he examined the painting in his Old Town studio. “Hopefully, someone is going to find this irreverent.”

Irreverent hardly begins to describe it. The scene imagines Blagojevich handcuffed and wearing an orange jumpsuit pulled down to his knees.

Among the onlookers is a guard, with a look of grim determination, pulling on a rubber glove.

The painting, which is taking Elliott a little over a week to finish, is titled: “The Cavity Search.”

Bet the artist is channeling the late Mike Royko.

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