Frontier Former Editor

May 22, 2011

I feel like John Cleese, except for the ability to utter curt profanities at stupid teenagers . . .

Filed under: cuisine, decorum, ersatz food, fast food, food, food extenders, fun stuff, humor, Monty Python — Frontier Former Editor @ 5:46 pm

Sometimes truth is stranger than the Cheese Shop sketch.

As I stopped by the local national-chain sandwich shop this evening to get a fast dinner (don’t laugh too hard if you’ve been to Subway before), I decided that the remaining raspberry cheesecake cookies on the counter rack looked relatively appetizing. I asked for three, and the young lady proceeded to get tongs and remove them.

“That’s fine,” I replied.

“They’re very crumbly,” she said.

Decision time. Should I follow the trail blazed by Mr. Cleese four decades earlier and just blurt out, “I don’t care how ****ing crumbly they are! Bring  on the raspberry cheesecake cookies with all due haste and speed!”?

Answer: “That’s fine.”

I’m sure she either didn’t comprehend the ironic smile on my face, or else she called the police and I’m being surveilled for sexual harassment.

December 12, 2008

Hot oily hens, or chicken soup for the dumbass

Yes, one of the entries in David Letterman’s ‘Book of Top Ten Lists’ for new marketing names for KC has finally come true.

Rub a dub dub, three idiots in a sink
Rub a dub dub, three idiots in a sink

According to the New York Daily News:

“Four months after a Burger King employee lost his job for taking a bubble bath in a restaurant sink, three scantily clad teens were fired when they turned a basin at their northern California KFC into their personal hot tub.

“They landed in hot water with the chicken chain’s management when one of the bikini-clad dimwits made the same mistake as the Ohio Burger King employee – she posted photos of the dippy escapade on MySpace.

“The photos included captions such as “haha KFC showers!” and “haha we turned on the jets,” and were filed under a gallery called “KFC moments,” according to the Record Searchlight newspaper in Redding, Calif.

“The story broke before the unidentified girl could scrub public access to her profile. On her MySpace page, the girl listed herself as a 17-year-old worker at the Anderson KFC near Redding.

“”I’m a KFC worker, they are my best friends and my family,” she said on her site.”

 

Guess I’m doing Taco Bell for lunch today.

July 30, 2008

Addenda, or how to get murdered by ax

My last assignment at Roy Rogers was as a senior assistant mgr/troubleshooter at the franchise Roy’s in Warrenton, Virginia. Besides having the pleasure of that holiest of rarities in Northern Virginia – going to work on I-66 when everyone was leaving and thus having an relatively empty highway out of Fairfax County – I got to see just how well a franchisee adhered to Marriott/Roy Rogers quality standards.

Of course, during my first week, I tried to sample the milkshake/soft serve machine and was told by one of the hired hands that it didn’t work .

“And why doesn’t it work?” I asked gently, sensing that the question might be construed as an attempt to elicit sensitive information.

“Well, the health inspector told us it was broken,” said hand replied cautiously.

“I see,” I said, already knowing the worst. “Did he happen to leave a note as to why it was broken?”

The lucky employee led me back to the store office, where I discovered the inspection and safety file book for the establishment. Sure enough, the last inspection report included words such as ‘bacteria count,’ ‘odor,’ and ‘final warning.’

I told the employee that it was his lucky day, and gave him some petty cash and a shopping list including stiff-bristle toothbrushes (a running theme with my days at the Double R Bar . . .), a gallon of bleach and three surgical masks.

Upon his return, he, I and another employee unlucky enough to answer ‘not much’ when I asked what he was doing pulled the machine to the back of the kitchen. Amazingly enough, the tool kit for the machine’s maintenance was as it had never been used – well maybe it made perfect sense. I removed the side panels and immediately was forced into a Hobson’s choice: vomit or laugh and vomit.

There was enough curd to supply several varieties of repulsive European cheeses to the next 20 wine tasting parties in Warrenton’s fox-hunting community. I’d only expected cheese for 10 parties.

Suffice it to say we got the machine clean, sanitary and sparkling in about an hour. I surprised myself in my ability to motivate two teenagers to get off their “lazy, filthy asses and don’t ever let something like this happen on my watch again or I’ll run you through the goddamn roast beef slicer on ‘shaved’ setting – you got that?!!!!” Well, it was calmer and not quite as blue, but the sense of murderous intent got across.

One day later, we were serving milkshakes, sundaes and strawberry shortcakes (Stiletto and Sled will remember those . . .).

After that, things went amazingly well given that I demonstrated that I could scrub cream cheese from machinery with the best of them.

Then there was the day of the flaming chicken fryer (another theme in my career at the Double R Bar).

It was after the dinner rush (maybe Neil Young could get another album title out of that), and I’d asked the first employee mentioned earlier in this post to drain, clean and refill the chicken fryer with shortening. The process is relatively simple: you turn off the fryer, screw in a drain spout at the bottom of the fryer, open the spout valve and drain the oil into a filter/pump, spray filtered oil back into the fryer until the solids were drained, turn off the pump, scrub out the fryer, close the valve, disconnect the drain and filter, pack solid shortening back into the fryer, turn on the power until shortening is melted, add shortening to bring it to full, turn off the power and close the lid.

They did pretty well except for one step – the first one about turning off the fryer. Within seconds of draining the fryer, the heating elements managed to ignite the film of oil left after draining. Naturally, smoke drifted throughout the store and the fire alarm went off while I was sweeping the dining room. I ran back and saw employee 1 and his buddy standing and wondering what to do.

I said “DO THIS!” and cut the power and closed the lid. Just then I heard a banging at the back door. I opened the door and was greeted with a firefighter poised to chop a hole in the door with a fire ax. The ax, of course, was aimed pretty much at my sternum.

I turned, looked at number one employee and said, “It’s for you.”

May 27, 2007

Under the ‘ow, quit it . . . stop touching me!’ department

Filed under: fast food, food, food extenders, meat byproducts, public relations — Frontier Former Editor @ 1:03 pm

 Yeah, but at least we don’t roll our burgers around in e coli . . . . .

  

Jack in the Box Ads Called Misleading

Competitor Sues Jack in the Box Over TV Spots Mocking Burger Meat

The Associated Press

CKE Restaurants Inc. sued Jack In The Box in U.S. District Court on Friday over an ad in which executives laugh hysterically at the word “Angus” and another where the chain’s pingpong ball-headed mascot, Jack, is asked to point to a diagram of a cow and show where Angus meat comes from.

adsonar_placementId=1280488;adsonar_pid=43749;adsonar_ps=-1;adsonar_zw=165;adsonar_zh=220;adsonar_jv=’ads.adsonar.com’;

“I’d rather not,” the pointy-nosed Jack replies.

The employee asking the question traces a circle in the air with his pen while pronouncing the word Angus.

A little more here . . .

May 31, 2006

Two words you would never expect to hear in proximity of each other: ‘treat’ and ‘McDonald’s’

Filed under: fast food, ice tea — Frontier Former Editor @ 8:46 pm

I stepped out briefly this evening to retrieve some fans to deal with our rural Virginian tropical season. On the way, I stopped by McDonald’s to purchase a treat: a 32-ounce sweet iced tea.

My American readers, as precious few as they may be, will probably understand the importance of iced tea (or ice tea if you’re from my region) to American culture. You just don’t brew some tea, pour it over ice and add a couple of spoonfuls of sugar and stir.

No. You brew about 16-20 orange pekoe tea bags in a quart of water, pour the hot tea over a significant quantity of white sugar, stir, cut the solution by half and pour some over a glass full of ice.

So many establishments outside the South serve you a glass of tea and, when asked if it’s sweet, toss you a packet of sugar.

Uncouth, nekulturny bastards.

I hate to say this, but McDonald’s has actually come up with a task and a recipe that almost none of their semi-skilled (and even skilled) staff members can make pear-shaped. I’m sure they’ve tried, but no luck to date.

Anyway, I’ve had today off since I worked on Memorial Day and have thoroughly confused some of you with my persistent blogging and cross-posting. I’ve met a few new folks (added to the blog list at the right of the screen and near the emergency exit) and will probably make more additions in the coming hours and days.

By the way Carmentza, thanks for getting that INXS song stuck in my head.

It’s been very enjoyable, and I actively encourage you to scroll down a few posts and start spreading the Heather McCartney divorce claims posted below. I have little respect for humanity – why should you?

April 9, 2006

Clarification on Monster Rabbit . . .

Filed under: domestic livestock, fast food, rabbits — Frontier Former Editor @ 6:24 am

I picked this up while reading yesterday’s post on rather large, garden-pillaging rabbits, but it may not have been all that clear: the rabbit pictured was not the actual giant rabbit but merely an example of how big rabbits can get before turning into free-agent produce distributors.

An example of responsible bloggng in action . . . .

April 8, 2006

Sounds like a job for the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch . . .

Filed under: domestic livestock, fast food, Is he tall enough to reach the table?, Monty Python, rabbits — Frontier Former Editor @ 5:49 pm

Nothing like a rabbit that can hold its own. Looks like something out of “Watership Down.” Maybe this is the real reason that Dubya wanted to develop nuclear bunker penetrators. What a great concept for a Bugs Bunny cartoon . . . . .


German rabbit breeder Karl Szmolinsky presents his giant male breeding rabbit ‘Robert'(April 7, 2006) from news.yahoo.com

Bigs bunny: monster rabbit devours English veggie plots (April 8, 2006) from news.yahoo.com

LONDON (AFP) – In a tale reminiscent of the last Wallace and Gromit movie, furious villagers in northeast England have hired armed guards to protect their beloved communal vegetable gardens from a suspected monster rabbit.
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