Frontier Former Editor

July 16, 2007

She may have zombie hamsters, but we’ve got a bureaucratic solution!

Filed under: homeland security, immigration, mad science, politics, vampires, zombies — Frontier Former Editor @ 10:51 am

The same guys who gave us radar, the steam catapult and 2010 may be doing this . . . .

 but we’ve got a bureaucratic solution with this:

 “Vampires arrived in the United States with the first European settlers and followed the general population shifts of Americans in the early days of the Republic. During this time, fighting vampires was a task left to individual bounty hunters and local militias known as the Vampire National Guard. As the country grew and became increasingly urbanized, a more ambitious vampire abatement program became necessary. The Copper Creek Seige of 1855, in which vampires took over an entire California mining town, underscored the country’s need for an organized, well-trained force to combat the growing plague. The Civil War delayed implementation until 1868, when President Ulysses S. Grant officially formed the Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency.

An early vampire patrol
is organized

Initially, the FVZA was a specialized branch of the Armed Forces, modeled after similar troops in France and Great Britain. The troops were known as the “Vanguard,” a contraction of Vampire National Guard. They worked mostly in large cities. By day, they scoured likely vampire/zombie hiding places; by night, they patrolled areas of high vampire/zombie activity (slums, waterfronts, parks, etc.). Though they were underfunded, ill-equipped and often shuttled off to fight wars on foreign soil, the FVZA made some strides in controlling resident vampire and zombie populations. However, the huge surges of immigrants coming to America helped increase the U.S. vampire population to 300,000 by the turn of the century.”

 And to think that the anti-immigration bill folks haven’t stumbled onto this yet.

Or maybe they have . . . .


  1. Damn you, I’ve been meaning to blog about them for ages.

    If they were working to their full potential, they’d have dealt with that golem in the White House.

    Comment by raincoaster — July 16, 2007 @ 11:14 am

  2. Is it any coincidence that the agency was disbanded in 1975, when Cheney was working for Gerald Ford? Eh? Eh?

    Comment by Frontier Former Editor — July 16, 2007 @ 5:35 pm

  3. Maybe we need to set up a Pacific Basin branch before Little Johnnie gives Dubya any more space at our naval bases?

    Comment by dinahmow — July 16, 2007 @ 10:36 pm

  4. Strong Like Tractor captures live Sasquatch! Lured in by the savage sound…

    Comment by Moe Tractor — July 16, 2007 @ 10:46 pm

  5. …. could it be that the “anti-immigration bill people” are in fact Zombies …. !!??

    G E

    Comment by G Eagle Esq — July 20, 2007 @ 12:47 pm

  6. More like Cheney is the vampire that everyone has suspected all along . . .

    Comment by Former Frontier Editor — July 20, 2007 @ 3:25 pm

  7. Remember, people; ASH stake, decapitation, fill the mouth with garlic. At which point the entire administration will blacken and turn to dust.

    Comment by raincoaster — July 21, 2007 @ 7:46 am

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